I guested on Ron Duren’s leadership podcast the other day about the great yomp through the Empty Quarter with my team mates, Baida and Atheer. 

I told him that I don’t write anymore. ‘I feel much happier and content.’ I told him. Previously, I wrote in depressive episodes. Writing would bring me out of those darker moments. I’d eagerly await the next episode so the words would flow, poetically yet painfully. But they’d flow. 

I’ve ruminated on that conversation for the past several weeks. Prompted by another friend who told me she used to enjoy reading my writing.

And here I find myself again. Those conversations pushing the crack in the door open again. Only this time I’m in a very different place. And writing for a different reason. One that I’m not sure I know the answer to yet. Reflection rather than desperation?

I’ve been a soldier, an art dealer, a life model, a lawyer, badly injured, taken naughty substances, I’ve walked a desert, I’ve made a film, I’ve got fat, I’ve got thin, I’ve learnt many lessons of people, of leadership, of myself. 

I understand the frustrations that Dad felt with me. And I of him. I’m close to my beautiful mum. I have a wonderful relationship with my brother. I adore my friends and acquaintances. And, I found a special chap who accepts me for all my good, bad, and erraticness. That is a miracle in itself. 

I don’t want to run away anymore. 

I loathed living in London. Commutes, office jobs, 9-5, which I really did very little of, the traffic, noise, litter, temptation, things, memories and existence that sucked away my soul. 

I’m starting a new era. A life of my design. One that fills me with joy. I leap frog from project to project, working with people I meet, from word of mouth, at functions or through friends and family. A life where I’m less afraid of conflict and taking my space. 

I might design a website, perhaps take a family portrait, or film an elevator pitch with a farmer in the middle of a field, or have my art printed on silk. The beauty of the last decade of exploration are the skills that I’ve taught myself, design, photography, film, editing, speaking. I love it all. The diversity. I love the people it opens me up to. I love spinning all the plates, embracing the challenges and I’m excited about what’s going to happen next. Who will I meet? What will I learn? Where will I go?

Something has shifted. Whatever transition is going on I’m not drowning. I think, and I don’t want to jinx myself, but I might’ve turned into a grown up. Everything has a shelf life.